Parents

TW: self harm mention, suicide mention, mental illness, transphobia, queerphobia

“i love you, parents” i say
as they teach me math
and help me learn words and sums
i am only three
i do not know better

“i love you, parents” i say
as they take me to school
i am six, and school is scary
i can hide in video games they buy
i can hide in their love

“i love you, parents” i say
as i am yelled at
for being friendless
for being bullied
for getting a C grade
i resolve to change myself
so i will be perfect

“i love you, parents” i say
as i graduate primary school
i am twelve, and confused
my body is changing
and i am worried

“i love you, parents” i say
after i come out as gay
after they tell me not to tell my brother
because it will give him ideas
i feel uneasy
i feel wrong

“i love you, parents” i say
as i let the blade into my skin
as i cry red tears into the world
as i loathe myself as much as they do to me

“i love you, parents” i say
as i get yelled at in the car
for being depressed
for being suicidal
for being fourteen, and wrong
i do not trust them

“i love you, parents” i say
as i wilt
as you misgender
and misname me
as i eat less than a meal a day
as i wait to die

“i love you, parents” i say
as i finally start to make friends
as you yell at me for not spending enough time with you
why would i want to

“i love you, parents” i say
alone into my phone
it plays back hollow and unfeeling
now i never have to say it again

“i hate you, parents” i say
under my breath
every waking moment is agony
i must live a lie constantly
but this is the only moment
where i can be truthful